That I have love 20 Apr 14 | 0 Comments

Why hello, Blog. It has been a while.

I had to pull away from this project for a while because I was starting to feel a bit of pressure and stress from having to keep up with it, and it was starting to affect the way I approached my days. So, a little break seemed necessary.

Also, a list of things started to happen and very gradually, my heart was slowly breaking from sadness and disappointment in things not working out, or things going in a direction that I didn’t want to go. I’m not necessarily going to go into each thing that I’ve been grappling with here on the blog. But I will write about one thing — which is funny because it’s probably one that most people would choose not to write about online if they were to pick from the list of things that have been weighing on my mind.

This is also something that has been breaking my heart significantly because I had so much hope in it. And it is that my sweet little crush started to see someone new. He started dating someone and I am so utterly sad about it.

{I literally had to pause a second there to cry a bit.}

Just something so heartbreaking to happen in the middle of my dealing with other things that also make me sad. Thank you for that, Universe. You’re a pal.

I found out about it at our friend’s thesis exhibition when I saw them walking to the museum with their arms around each other and I cannot even begin to tell you how far my heart dropped. There was no indication that this was happening, and only a few days ago, when I posted on Facebook how sad I was feeling, he said he’d offer me a hug. (I never got that hug.)

My friend and I have been analyzing the situation (as us girls do), and have come to the conclusion that he’s not in a place in life to make solid, rash, decisions and that he’s just taking the obvious and available route in most cases (dating and job related….).

I expressed with my friend how I felt like this makes me question my gut feelings about things — I for SURE thought he felt the same way for me as I did (DO) for him — and she sweetly said that the intuition I felt is real and to never doubt it.

He does care for me, I know this. The night of the exhibition, our friends went to a tavern close by and he broke away from his date to come sit next to me to talk. To ask me why I’ve been feeling sad. It was the most bittersweet conversation I’ve had in a long time. It was so sweet of him to take the time to sit specifically with me and chat, specifically with me. But it was incredibly bitter knowing that he would later be leaving with her. He is with her, and that is slowly tearing my heart.

But, I think I am going to be ok. I will continue to feel the sad until I no longer feel it. The important thing is to keep striving to be happy with myself and with what my life is, and to not let this overpower me. I just need to feel content with the way things are going and I need to understand that things are happening for a reason and happening when they need to.

In an effort to bring me comfort, my friend sent me this:

Screen Shot 2014-04-20 at 12.20.42 PM

One thing that has happened while I’ve been swimming in the sad is seeing the incredible outpouring of love and support from my friends. OH MY GOODNESS, MY FRIENDS ARE MY BIGGEST BLESSING. Even while they haven’t any clue of what I’ve going through (this, among others), they have shown so much love and I cannot even begin to express how much that means to me. I AM SO LUCKY TO HAVE THE FRIENDS THAT I DO. I love them. I love them all with all of my heart and every being of my soul. I adore them and I have no idea how I can ever express that love and gratitude back to them. I hope they feel it back from me.

Maybe that’s the biggest lesson I need to take from all this deep heartache I’ve been feeling. That I have love.

The long walk 14 Feb 14 | 4 Comments

Because today is Valentines Day, I thought I’d share a dream that I had many, many years ago. There are a few dreams I’ve had in my life that I still remember, but this one must be my absolute favorite thus far. It must have been 2007 or 2008 when I had this dream.

I am copy / pasting this from a facebook conversation I had with a friend, with modifications

The dream starts off in a big, wide, fancy hall/corridor with all my female relatives there — they’re all dressed in cream lacy dresses and were standing in a line, holding various assortments of flowers. I ask what’s going on and they all laugh and say, “you’re getting married, silly!” Well, that’s a strange thing to say! Confused, yet excited, I ask “to whom?!” but they don’t answer. It’s suddenly time to properly line up to make the procession down the aisle.

Apparently, it is an outdoor wedding, and the line of women are waiting to make their way outside. It looks like it takes place on a field typically usually used as a soccer field (random location!) and in the background are white inflatable waving arm tube men, which seems like such an odd, odd choice to have at a wedding, but they actually looked nice in the distance! Just gracefully bobbing about in the background. The aisle is incredibly wide — probably about 20-, or 30- feet wide and is incredibly long, spanning the whole distance of a soccer field. And as it goes in dreams, the length of the soccer field is largely exaggerated, so it almost seemed to be miles long. The aisle is lined with a beautiful lace runner and white flower petals. My guests are sitting on the lawn (what awful seating!) and I begin to notice that this aisle is symbolic of a timeline, as people are seated “chronologically” based on when I know them in my life. As I’m walking down, I say hello to everyone and tell people who I haven’t seen in a while how much I miss them — I especially notice that the “aisle timeline” is lined with relationships passed … old boyfriends, old crushes … which might seem like a strange thing to have at your wedding, but in this scenario, it seemed to symbolize a mending of things from the past. I was ok with these gentlemen being there, in fact welcoming them there, and thanking them for being a part of the journey to where I’m ultimately going (to the alter, in this case). I’m happy they are there. I’m happy to see family and friends there. I say hello to as many people as I can and tell them that I can’t believe that this is happening and that I’m making my way to the man that I love. The music is John Mayer (haha, at the time that I had this dream, I was an incredibly huge JM fan. I still like his music, but not to the capacity that I did in my 20s).

As I’m walking, I still have no idea who is waiting for me up at the front. It seems to be taking a long time to make it up there. But I get this feeling — not so much the me-in-the-dream is feeling the feeling, but “real me” gets this feeling, this thought that says “yes, in your lifetime, Kathy. You will eventually find the one you are meant to share your life with, and you will fall in love and get married. But, of most of the women you know in your life, you will probably be the last this happens to, so be patient.” Strange thing to realize while you’re dreaming, and you’re “witnessing” your own wedding. But it seemed like an appropriate message, especially since I’m not married, or even close to it. And I often wonder if it actually will happen. So with those concerns living out in the real world, it was nice to hear/feel that sort of message from the dream world. I took solace in that. (I still do.)

About three-fourths of the way down the aisle, I can finally see a glimpse of my groom, and I realize who he is. I know I still need to walk down the aisle with the same pace as I had been doing, but it starts to be a huge challenge to have to continually wait to be with him. I’m excited because of who he is and what he’s grown to mean to me. I’m excited to start a new journey with him. I’m excited to spend the rest of my life with him.

It gets to the point where I simply cannot wait any longer and I start to run down the rest of the aisle. A mad dash! I can’t bare not to be next to him any longer. I madly run into his arms and we hug. It is absolutely the most meaningful embrace experience on the face of the planet! Cheeks pressed together. Arms tightly wrapped around one another. He has a big grin on his face. He wears glasses and has short, dark hair. He is the perfect height. I’m really happy. He’s really happy. I say, “it’s you! I’m so, so happy that it turns out to be you!” He doesn’t say anything. He’s too busy grinning in happiness.

That’s where I wake up.

They say that every person in your dream is someone you’ve seen in real life. When I had this dream, I did not recognize the groom. It’s funny to think that this dream had several people, and the one most important person in the dream is someone I didn’t know. I suppose that if you were to analyze the dream, it must mean that in real life I had yet to meet this man.

A few weeks ago, I shared this dream with a friend of mine that knows of my crush, and she jokingly laughed that maybe it’s him that was in the dream. Of course, I laughed, but oddly enough, he fits the description perfectly. I hadn’t met him when I had the dream (I would meet him 2–3 years later). He wears glasses. Has short, dark hair. He’s the best height for me. We’ve had meaningful embraces the past couple of times we’ve had a chance to see each other (my friend and I call them “bear hugs” because of how big and firm the hugs are). And I was happy when I realized that I am starting to have feelings for him. (Also, he’s a huge soccer fan, which ties in with the fact that this wedding took place on a soccer field.)

I’m not saying that it truly is him, or that we’d even get to that level. But it seems very interesting that there are these similarities.

And it is fun to dream about what’s to hopefully come.

In hopes of…
1. With it being Valentine’s Day, I couldn’t help but feel hopeful and gushy throughout the day. I am excited for the prospects of hope and invite whatever is bound to come.
2. Seeing my crush again. Not sure when it will happen, but hopefully sometime soon. I’m sure my cheeks blush at the thought!
3. More bear hugs. Please! More of them!

Strides! Strides! Strides! 13 Feb 14 | 0 Comments

C, A-minor, F, G7, G

These are chords that I know how to play on the ukulele…. and oh. my. gosh. I can’t believe I’ve managed to learn how to play those three chords in less than a week!! The first day, I could barely manage the F-chord, and now I can easily transition from C to F to G7. C to A to F. C to A to F to G7 to C … and a few other combinations! (The G-chord is currently the hardest for me.) It’s sort of amazing how I’m starting to pick it up a little easier each day. When I got home today, I sat on my bed and just strummed random combinations of these five chords just to practice. It feel SO GOOD to just randomly play. It’s so exciting to see strides!

One week! I wonder how well I’ll be playing in a month. Three months! Six months! A year from now!

Progress
1. Today, I presented three sketches to my boss of a website I’ve been working on from the start of this year. Honestly, it’s a project that I was a little afraid to work on because of who the clients are (it’s a legendary firm in the city). But I got to the point in this project that I became confident with what I was presenting and even though I probably should have been nervous, I showed my boss what I had and it felt comfortable. I’ve worked at this firm for a little over seven years and it still hits me in the pit of my stomach to present my sketches, but I’m glad that I can muster the courage to present with confidence. It’s ok to have nerves … as long as your pride-in-your-work outweighs it.
2. I see progress in what’s happening between my crush and I. It started off with me not being able to say hello to him, to working up the courage to have a long conversation with him at a social event, to asking him for very personal advice, to inviting him to my work’s dinner, to feeling more comfortable with him, to … who knows what’s to come. I feel like the way it’s been slowly growing is exactly happening at the right pace and at the right times and at the right amount. It’ll be interesting to see where it goes from here. It gives me butterflies!
3. Even though this blog is a huge challenge to maintain, I’m glad that I’ve still been able to keep up with it. Hoping it’ll get easier and easier to write.

Fine tuning 09 Feb 14 | 0 Comments

That, my friends, is some of the first in-tune sounds of my ukulele. I cannot express how THRILLED I am to get it in tuned and to hear that fun, happy sound.

Here’s a bit of a confession: I broke one of the ukulele strings during my first hour of owning the thing. Is that not the most embarrassing thing you’d ever hear? I’ve watched several videos showing how to tune a ukulele and the videos made it seem deceivingly simple. And you would think that having several years of playing a clarinet and being a part of a school band would help me easily figure out tuning … oh, how mistaken that notion is. I over-twisted the little winder thingy (ok, looks like I will need to learn the names of the parts of the ukulele) the first string snapped.

Way to go, Kathy. Wayyyy toooo gooooooooo.

The kit I bought luckily came with extra strings, but I haven’t had a chance to restring it until tonight. Again, I watched several videos on how to restring a ukulele (hence, posting about watching tutorials online), this time with the intent to be a little more patient, and careful, with it. Ahh, the difference a little care makes. There’s the lesson, Kathy. Approach things with a little more patience and care, and you won’t end up with a broken string. … but if you do end up with one, at least you got a lesson out of it.

I’ve attempted to learn two chords already by watching more videos online, and while it’s convenient (and free) to learn this way, I think I might do a better job if I sign up for lessons. So, I may look into it. Looks like there are a lot of group lessons all over town, or alternatively, I found someone who does private lessons. We’ll see where I end up going.

I’m excited! My goal is to be able to play one song, gracefully, by the end of the year. Right now, switching from one chord to another is a huge challenge!

In Other News
1. Tonight, my crush had his birthday party and I went … with two pies in hand. Yes, ladies and gents, that was the biggest reason for all the practice pies. I hope they turned out ok. I didn’t try them at the party and left them there in case his guests wanted them. Goodness, I hope they turned out ok … eeep.
2. He has two main parties every year — one for his birthday, one for halloween — maybe I’ve mentioned this already, but he’s invited me to each every year I’ve known him, and every year I never end up going. Of course, things have changed and there I found myself at his party, enjoying crawfish. It’s nice to get a glimpse into his home and meet his friends who aren’t part of our big design circle. He seems to surround himself with really good, friendly, warm people. Also adorable? He invited his parents to his party. His mother is an absolute delight.
3. I was talking about the evolution of this crush to my friend and she mentioned that things just seem to be “rolling along and developing as it should.” It’s kind of interesting how it really has easily progressed along (so often crushes don’t). I’m still not completely sure what his feelings are for me, but I’m enjoying the fact that I’m beginning to ease into this crush a little bit more. When I first realized how I felt, I was a complete shy ball of nerves and barely worked up the guts to casually be able to talk to him. But each time I see him, things start to feel a little more natural, and a little less frightening. (I find it funny that for years how I acted around him was really no big deal to me, and then that sudden rush of feelings hit and I could barely say hello to him at an event. Now, I’m starting to run into him more and more, and am easing back into a good comfort-level with him… this time with a side of butterflies-in-the-stomach. I’m curious to see how, if at all, this continues to evolve.)

Gushy. 02 Feb 14 | 0 Comments

All I can think about is getting my ukulele.

That, and the guy I like. So I’m just going to list three little things about him.

1. We’re friends. We’ve known each other for about four years now, and have slowly built a friendship within those years. Not the kind that we see each other all the time, or call each other, but enough to where we chit chat at events we’re both attending, and laugh at the same sort of things, and even to the point where we can talk about our concerns and seek advice. We run in the same circles and we have similar interests. It wasn’t until the last six months or so that feelings started to develop (on my end), and more effort has been made to hang out. I’ve always said that ideally, if I start a relationship with someone, it would be wonderful if it started off on a friendship level and then evolved from there. So far, this fits that ideal.

2. This crush simply came out of the blue. Maybe a little spark here and there existed within the few years we’ve known each other, but the feels came suddenly and nearly head-on. It was a complete surprise. A cute, and sweet surprise.

3. He is not afraid to look you directly in the eyes, with sincerity. Sometimes, I find that that’s a quality that not a lot of guys are brave enough to have. I can’t tell you how many conversations I’ve had with guys where they just don’t feel comfortable looking at your eyes while they speak. He does, and he does it in a very sweet, kind way.

Ahhhh, I wish I could talk about him more, but it’s probably not appropriate.

Tippy-three 30 Jan 14 | 0 Comments

YIKES! I’m just now getting home from a little impromptu happy hour / dinner with my bestie and a super special friend. So …

1. Impromptu happy hour / dinner with my bestie and super special friend. Boy do I adore these two! ADORE! ADORE! ADORE!

2. Knowing glances.

3. Laughing, laughing, laughing at funny stories. Why am I so incredibly lucky to have people like these two in my life? I feel so incredibly blessed because of it.

Short, I know, but at least I got one up!

UP! UP! UP!

Oh, for the love of pie 27 Jan 14 | 0 Comments

So the other day, I mentioned I spent a good three hours making mini pies. (They’re actually round little apple hand pies!) And if you count the number of hours I spent researching pie recipes, shopping for ingredients, thinking about the best way to approach this little kitchen project … well, let’s just say that’s a whole lot of hours spent on a little dessert.

pieceopie1

And that got me to thinking … I must really like this person if I’m going through all this trouble.

Yep. I was making a practice batch of mini pies for someone. I find it kind of funny the lengths you’d go to show someone you care. At least, that’s how I feel. As I was peeling and chopping the apples, rolling out the dough, cutting precise circles, and guessing on the baking time, I just simply laughed to myself thinking, “Seriously, Kathy. You’ve been hit hard.”

FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, I MADE A FULL BATCH OF MINI PIES JUST TO TEST THEM. This wasn’t even the final product. It was a test. run.

But you know what? It feels awfully nice to go through the trouble for just that little chance that maybe it’ll win some hearts.

pieceopie2

It has been about ten years since I last truly felt this way (again, 2003 seems to be a reoccurring thing lately), and frankly, I’ve missed feeling this way. The years in between, I simply haven’t had the time to feel it, nor the proper person to feel it for. And now, all of a sudden, there it is … like it was simply just a circumstance of time. (Really, isn’t everything just a circumstance of time?)

oh, if I could just tell the whole damn story here… Maybe eventually. At least parts of it.

Bits and pieces
1. I definitely have not mastered the apple pie yet. I made one from scratch over last year’s thanksgiving break. It was good, but far from where I’d like my apple pie standards to be. It’s gonna take some practice, but I am determined to get it right!
2. I am, however, pretty stellar at making pumpkin pies. I can’t wait to make my next one (which will happen very soon).
3. Simply because of this pie-venture, I bought a microplane grater/zester (to grate nutmegs, fresh). Seriously, I am going to great lengths to win some hearts. Seriously, I must be smitten.

(p.s. as far as I know, the person I am alluding to does not know about this blog. … and if he does, then … oh, hello! Secret’s out. Cat’s out of the bag. … but to be honest, I think I’ve been obvious. … errrr, or maybe I haven’t? …)

12-31-13 ... A note about the site

The design of this website is by Derek Punsalan.