That I have love

Why hello, Blog. It has been a while.

I had to pull away from this project for a while because I was starting to feel a bit of pressure and stress from having to keep up with it, and it was starting to affect the way I approached my days. So, a little break seemed necessary.

Also, a list of things started to happen and very gradually, my heart was slowly breaking from sadness and disappointment in things not working out, or things going in a direction that I didn’t want to go. I’m not necessarily going to go into each thing that I’ve been grappling with here on the blog. But I will write about one thing — which is funny because it’s probably one that most people would choose not to write about online if they were to pick from the list of things that have been weighing on my mind.

This is also something that has been breaking my heart significantly because I had so much hope in it. And it is that my sweet little crush started to see someone new. He started dating someone and I am so utterly sad about it.

{I literally had to pause a second there to cry a bit.}

Just something so heartbreaking to happen in the middle of my dealing with other things that also make me sad. Thank you for that, Universe. You’re a pal.

I found out about it at our friend’s thesis exhibition when I saw them walking to the museum with their arms around each other and I cannot even begin to tell you how far my heart dropped. There was no indication that this was happening, and only a few days ago, when I posted on Facebook how sad I was feeling, he said he’d offer me a hug. (I never got that hug.)

My friend and I have been analyzing the situation (as us girls do), and have come to the conclusion that he’s not in a place in life to make solid, rash, decisions and that he’s just taking the obvious and available route in most cases (dating and job related….).

I expressed with my friend how I felt like this makes me question my gut feelings about things — I for SURE thought he felt the same way for me as I did (DO) for him — and she sweetly said that the intuition I felt is real and to never doubt it.

He does care for me, I know this. The night of the exhibition, our friends went to a tavern close by and he broke away from his date to come sit next to me to talk. To ask me why I’ve been feeling sad. It was the most bittersweet conversation I’ve had in a long time. It was so sweet of him to take the time to sit specifically with me and chat, specifically with me. But it was incredibly bitter knowing that he would later be leaving with her. He is with her, and that is slowly tearing my heart.

But, I think I am going to be ok. I will continue to feel the sad until I no longer feel it. The important thing is to keep striving to be happy with myself and with what my life is, and to not let this overpower me. I just need to feel content with the way things are going and I need to understand that things are happening for a reason and happening when they need to.

In an effort to bring me comfort, my friend sent me this:

Screen Shot 2014-04-20 at 12.20.42 PM

One thing that has happened while I’ve been swimming in the sad is seeing the incredible outpouring of love and support from my friends. OH MY GOODNESS, MY FRIENDS ARE MY BIGGEST BLESSING. Even while they haven’t any clue of what I’ve going through (this, among others), they have shown so much love and I cannot even begin to express how much that means to me. I AM SO LUCKY TO HAVE THE FRIENDS THAT I DO. I love them. I love them all with all of my heart and every being of my soul. I adore them and I have no idea how I can ever express that love and gratitude back to them. I hope they feel it back from me.

Maybe that’s the biggest lesson I need to take from all this deep heartache I’ve been feeling. That I have love.

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